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   Nation Just Wants To Be Safe, Happy, Rich, Comfortable, Entertained At All Times

NEWS INFORMATION

Parent

Parent

News Date

8/1/2013 12:00 pm

Author

The Onion

Media

Category

Humor

Database Record

Entered 8/1/2013, Updated 8/1/2013

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WASHINGTON—In a new report released Wednesday by the Pew Research center, Americans indicated that when it comes to what they expect from their country, all they really want is to be safe, happy, rich, comfortable, and entertained at absolutely all times. In addition, the U.S. populace reportedly wondered whether it was too much to ask that they always be healthy, fulfilled, successful, safe, loved, relaxed, inspired, motivated, worry-free, and content every second of their lives from birth until death “given that this is America, after all.” “It’s not that complicated; at the end of the day, all I want from America is a good job, a nice house, romantic fulfillment, beautiful sunny weather during the day, starlit skies at night, low gas prices, independence from foreign oil, free food, free health care, free media, everything free,” said Maryland resident Lena McCarthy, 36, adding that if everything can’t be free, she wants her goods cheap, manufactured “right here in the U.S. of A,” and wants workers paid a good wage. “We’re talking about basic stuff here. I just want tasty fast food that’s good for me; an excellent school district with low property taxes; a high-six-figure salary; a stress-free, 40-hour workweek at a job where there aren’t a lot of meetings; and have my weekends totally free. I definitely want to keep those weekends open.”


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